Tomorrow I begin a weight loss study that is supposed to span 1.5 years.  I found out about this in the middle of June and my first appointment was set for August 14, 2018.  I have to be completely honest here and say that I pretty much enjoyed all my eating experiences since that time in June, continuing my number one big lie that "I will do it tomorrow" - only this time my tomorrow was 2 months away, lol!

I've been on this journey all of my life.  I've tried so many things.  I've been successful one time for a couple of years through  Weigh Down, a Christian weight loss program that deals mostly with head hunger and learning to think differently about food and turn to Christ.  I have to say that God did change me those 23 years ago, and that program changed my life.

But I had two more kids and gained more weight back - and since about 2000, I have not been able to lose weight.  I've tried so many times.  I have such a hard time doing "diets" since I had experienced freedom from food during Weigh Down.  I've struggled with guilt because I can't seem to run to Christ like I did before - and so I have felt a lot of guilt for not being able to let go of food again.

But in the last 10 or so years, I've been an addict.  I have knowingly eaten food and have felt this pull or addiction - and still had to eat.  I don't like writing this - I don't like that feeling of being an "addict" and I don't like to think that I am one.  But in recent years, as I've have increased in years and my muscles have turned to fat and I've continued to eat too much food, I find myself living now as  "fat person."  And I don't like it.

I don't like it when I can't bend over to tie my shoes.  If you're reading this and you don't have a weight problem and you're a woman, if you can remember how hard it was to do things when you were 9 months pregnant...that is how I live out each day.  

But no amount of discomfort has left me ready to change.  No amount of cheering from the sidelines by my wonderful family has helped me to change.  No amount of really good reasons has helped me change.  

So tomorrow, I enter a new time for me.  I meet regularly with physicians or nurses involved with this program.  I will eat their food for 2 months.  I will GET PAID for every appointment I go to.  I will do this.

But I will still need help from the Lord.  I'm not going into this blind to think that it will be this program that will "save" me from my overeating.  I know that I need God.  I know there will be temptations.  I know that I will fail sometimes.  And I know that I need God to fulfill my desires and not food.  

So here I go!  Tomorrow at 9am.  I will document my journey here so I am excited to see what is in store for my 53rd year!!!

(I wrote this on the eve of August 14th, and I found out that I am really starting tomorrow, August 28th.  Alas - all of this I could have written today about tomorrow!!!)